just some thoughts

"If you continue to choose to be this girl who picks the assholes and who loves conditionally instead of unconditionally, you are going to wind up alone."

"If you could change your perception of yourself, things would change for you drastically and others would perceive you differently as well."

My best friend of 6 years now has come up with these profound quotes for me as we've discussed our lives as of late. The first of these was said after we were discussing how close her boyfriend has been to marriage discussions. Now knowing me, I laugh at her situation because she never lets the guy have control yet with this relationship, she's lost all of it. Considering who I desire to be with, I have continually strayed away from what I think is the perfect man. Of course, there is no perfect man or woman, but in my eyes what I think is a perfect man is someone who is loyal to you and loves you for who you are on the inside and looks over your many imperfections. I want someone to love me for me. I am what I am most of the time, and apparently, people don't always know "how to take me". Am I really that hard to get along with? I know what I want in a man and I haven't honestly found him yet...the main problem being, my lusting for physical attributes continually gets in my way of finding that "perfect mate". I no longer am waiting for the man of my dreams, but I'm constantly fishing around for that "Mr. Right Now". I've consistently chosen the asshole over the sweet, caring man, and screwed up time after time with relationships because I'm so scared of what comes if I do get hurt. I've never been willing to jump off the cliff because everytime I'm on the edge, I end up getting pushed down and a little piece of me falls off that cliff because the men I choose know exactly how to make me feel inferior to them. Again I say, these epiphanies so to speak make me think at night and during the day of what I might be doing wrong...
1. I always choose the guy I have to run after.
2. The guys who constantly want to be with me, I push away because I get claustrophobic.
3. I normally meet these guys in places not suitable for finding a husband.
4. My friends and their priorities always come before mine; therefore, I am never doing things for just me.
5. I am constantly going from point A (aka Atlanta) to point B (aka Knoxville) and there's never a consistency to be out and about trying to find that special someone.
6. I have confidence in myself, but I end up settling because I think I can't get any better sometimes.
In the mean time, I am trying to work on my inside self and how I feel about me. To better myself, I have decided that exercise and eating right are 2 things I need to work on majorly. I need to be happy with myself before I can ever accept an opinion, be it good or bad. Goals have to be put in place and if I don't start now, I'll never start.