Today's menu:
fried okra
one oatmeal nutrigrain bar
scoop of rice
few banana peppers
LOTS of water
2 glasses of sweet tea
Today has been way too nuts...ready for it to be over and no more rain!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Maybe I Should Blog About Losing Weight too...
So most of my friends on here blog about exercising and eating healthy which I normally write about my feelings and the emotional state I am in lol...so for today I'll write about my week and maybe if I start blogging I'll realize what I eat...
I've exercised every day so far this week and we're exercising again this afternoon.
Today I've eaten:
Ham and cheese sandwich with cucumbers
a few banana peppers
2 glasses of tea
LOTS of water
about 20 Teddy Grahams
5 bites of a cheese block
one baked chicken breast
one chocolate chip little debbie
That's not really that bad is it? It's storming outside :( and Sookie is alone...I really love her! I miss her while I'm at school, and she's so good :)
I also got my first evaluation over with and passed with flying colors (but I'll write more on that later)
I've exercised every day so far this week and we're exercising again this afternoon.
Today I've eaten:
Ham and cheese sandwich with cucumbers
a few banana peppers
2 glasses of tea
LOTS of water
about 20 Teddy Grahams
5 bites of a cheese block
one baked chicken breast
one chocolate chip little debbie
That's not really that bad is it? It's storming outside :( and Sookie is alone...I really love her! I miss her while I'm at school, and she's so good :)
I also got my first evaluation over with and passed with flying colors (but I'll write more on that later)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Life's handed me lemons...it's up to me to decide if they're good or bad..
Wow to the wow right now. I'm constantly in a crazy ass mood these days. My life is ridiculous and fun all at the same time. I never realized how much drama I do NOT stir up these days. It might sound redundant but for once in my life, I'm glad that the "drama" is elsewhere. I mean I have had so much anger and hurt the past few months over my best friend and her choosing her boyfriend over me in every situation, and then I realized, I don't need her like I thought I did. She's only a part of my life, and she can choose to be in mine or not, but I can't quit letting her rule my life and my thoughts. Most of my anger and hurt has subsided due to 2 comments I got to say to her actual face a few weeks ago.
1. "I can't believe you chose to believe your boyfriend of less than 2 years over your supposed best friend of more than 6."
to which she responded "You lie."
2. " I lie about stupid stuff like who I've kissed in the past days not about something like this. It really hurts that everybody has realized I'm not the same person I was a year ago and that I've changed, and you're the only one still living in the past thinking I'm still that slut from sophomore year."
2 things off my chest and her dumbfounded silence later, I feel our friendship is finally where I need it to be to get through life without needing her around all the time. As a little girl, I have always been raised to be independent in most things that I do, but feelings has never been my strong suit. The more I look back on my life, the more I realize I've made myself this needy girl. I can't blame it on my parents; they were amazing and loving and compassionate and complimentary to me always. I never needed their love and attention. I always consumed their lives. All through life (as the independent one I thought), I would find friends who needed me more than I needed them, neglecting myself and my feelings for the sake of theirs. That wasn't independence...I was dependent on them being dependent on me. The first friend ever then came around and she tried to fix my issues first before her own, and I fed off of that, not realizing that I was sucking our friendship down the drain. Then I realized once I moved to GA that you can have friends that look after you, and still want to be around. I guess these so-called realizations are really just me growing up, but they seem pretty big steps in my opinion. I think the best thing for us was me moving down here even if I feel constantly like we'll never be the same.
Not only has my dependence upon her gone away, I also don't want to deal with the drama mama of her life. I've realized that I wasn't the drama queen (even if I was for the last few years). There's also the fact that I feel like I've grown when it comes to saying "no". Now I still don't want to disappoint but when it comes to furthering my career or deterring my numbers from getting high, I've learned to say it. It feels great, and I've realized people are still my friends after I say it. The real test for me is dealing with the temptation to give in. I mean why not? Most of the time the thing I'm trying to always say no to is not good for me. Driving to a guy's house after hours, meeting up with that one you've always dreamed would come around (but in the back of your head you *now never will), skipping out on work to stay an extra day...these things aren't good for me. I don't grow in a positive manner when I do these things. I either feel bad for not being with my chitlins or feel bad for lying or feel bad for giving into my desires (that really aren't desires). This month has already been a "growing" month. I have learned so much about myself and how strong I actually am. I don't need that guy to tell me how good I am at something or my friends to be able to party with me an extra night so they'll have a friend to hang out with when I know I have work the next day.
Life used to offer me really beautiful lemons, but I never knew if the lemonade was going to be sweet or sour to the core. I still don't know always, but I've started to look a little deeper at the lemon...and when I see those bruises or mold, I decide to take the lemon and throw it at the temptation instead of going ahead and making it to see what happens. Spontaneity is a good thing in life. It keeps you on your toes, and keeps you guessing, but it also can bite you in the ass. You can fall, and normally you fall hard in my experience. I've always been able to get back up, but I'm finally starting to question...what if I can't get back up? What if that one last time is the time something horrific happens. You can play with fire, but it tends to burn you in the end. I've always had people to cushion the fall and get me out of it, but I'm 25 now...adult status reminds me that cushion isn't always going to be there.
Love is patient, love is kind...love can suck, but true love (the kind that makes your heart go pitter patter, where you can't shut up with that person, the kind where he makes you smile just by looking at you or where he makes you laugh when you want to hit him over the head with a bottle you're so pissed, the kind where it's eternally forever) that type of love is difficult to find, but once you find it, you should guard it with your heart and shield it with your mind. That love I have not yet been luc*y enough to find...not saying it's not going to happen, but I'm waiting patiently for it. I've heard it only comes once in a lifetime, and you just know...well, knowing that love exists makes me realize that all those "mistakes" I've already made in life are leading to that love. I've always heard if you want to be married, God will give you that love. (also about babies too). Knowing this is true, I can tell that love I find is going to be amazingly breathtaking. I have so much love to give. I guess what I'm trying to say is I know it's out there just waiting for me, and I can't wait to catch it. It's like the pixie dust will eventually fall on my head and there he'll be. I can't wait!
I know I'm pretty spastic with this blog, but it totally sounds like I think. I wake up some nights and sit and think about these things never knowing if I'll quit thinking. My new goal in life is to get in shape and be healthy again. My stomach is killing me a lot more than it used to, and I don't want to be 40 with stomach issues moreso than what I have now. I have started Gilad again (and eating healthy is coming along) and running and then volleyball. I can't tell you how much volleyball and our new principal have made me like our school is one cohesive unit. I know there's still those select few who suck at life, but the rest of them always have a smile on their face and say HELLO in the hallway...I mean who would've thought one person could change the atmosphere so quickly. You can't stay in a bad mood when everybody's smiling and ready to work hard. It's great! I also have this crazy urge to try to figure out who that mate of my life is. Have I already met them? Will it be somebody new? The man of my dreams has to be somewhere and I know I have to wait until I least expect it...which is way difficult...but it's really weird...the guys I've met to hang out with and date all just randomly fell in my lap. Mysterious things can happen and I can't wait to see what the future holds...odd birthdays are great years for me...and as I get older, I wish that I could bask in these epiphanies with my father and my normal mother. I know things happen for a reason, but if my mom could just find happiness again, I think we'd all be better off. My dad has to be rolling around in his grave choking b/c of the things she's done. She's not supported herself, she's found that crap lust, she's turned her friends off, and she's upset me all along the way. I used to always say I want to be like her when I grow up, but these days not so much. Sober working not pity partying mom is awesome, but not the other one. She's made things so much worse, and STRESS levels hit the roof, but then she's also been there and provided when I've panicked so what do you say to that? Nothing I suppose right? Well, sleep must ensue now...
1. "I can't believe you chose to believe your boyfriend of less than 2 years over your supposed best friend of more than 6."
to which she responded "You lie."
2. " I lie about stupid stuff like who I've kissed in the past days not about something like this. It really hurts that everybody has realized I'm not the same person I was a year ago and that I've changed, and you're the only one still living in the past thinking I'm still that slut from sophomore year."
2 things off my chest and her dumbfounded silence later, I feel our friendship is finally where I need it to be to get through life without needing her around all the time. As a little girl, I have always been raised to be independent in most things that I do, but feelings has never been my strong suit. The more I look back on my life, the more I realize I've made myself this needy girl. I can't blame it on my parents; they were amazing and loving and compassionate and complimentary to me always. I never needed their love and attention. I always consumed their lives. All through life (as the independent one I thought), I would find friends who needed me more than I needed them, neglecting myself and my feelings for the sake of theirs. That wasn't independence...I was dependent on them being dependent on me. The first friend ever then came around and she tried to fix my issues first before her own, and I fed off of that, not realizing that I was sucking our friendship down the drain. Then I realized once I moved to GA that you can have friends that look after you, and still want to be around. I guess these so-called realizations are really just me growing up, but they seem pretty big steps in my opinion. I think the best thing for us was me moving down here even if I feel constantly like we'll never be the same.
Not only has my dependence upon her gone away, I also don't want to deal with the drama mama of her life. I've realized that I wasn't the drama queen (even if I was for the last few years). There's also the fact that I feel like I've grown when it comes to saying "no". Now I still don't want to disappoint but when it comes to furthering my career or deterring my numbers from getting high, I've learned to say it. It feels great, and I've realized people are still my friends after I say it. The real test for me is dealing with the temptation to give in. I mean why not? Most of the time the thing I'm trying to always say no to is not good for me. Driving to a guy's house after hours, meeting up with that one you've always dreamed would come around (but in the back of your head you *now never will), skipping out on work to stay an extra day...these things aren't good for me. I don't grow in a positive manner when I do these things. I either feel bad for not being with my chitlins or feel bad for lying or feel bad for giving into my desires (that really aren't desires). This month has already been a "growing" month. I have learned so much about myself and how strong I actually am. I don't need that guy to tell me how good I am at something or my friends to be able to party with me an extra night so they'll have a friend to hang out with when I know I have work the next day.
Life used to offer me really beautiful lemons, but I never knew if the lemonade was going to be sweet or sour to the core. I still don't know always, but I've started to look a little deeper at the lemon...and when I see those bruises or mold, I decide to take the lemon and throw it at the temptation instead of going ahead and making it to see what happens. Spontaneity is a good thing in life. It keeps you on your toes, and keeps you guessing, but it also can bite you in the ass. You can fall, and normally you fall hard in my experience. I've always been able to get back up, but I'm finally starting to question...what if I can't get back up? What if that one last time is the time something horrific happens. You can play with fire, but it tends to burn you in the end. I've always had people to cushion the fall and get me out of it, but I'm 25 now...adult status reminds me that cushion isn't always going to be there.
Love is patient, love is kind...love can suck, but true love (the kind that makes your heart go pitter patter, where you can't shut up with that person, the kind where he makes you smile just by looking at you or where he makes you laugh when you want to hit him over the head with a bottle you're so pissed, the kind where it's eternally forever) that type of love is difficult to find, but once you find it, you should guard it with your heart and shield it with your mind. That love I have not yet been luc*y enough to find...not saying it's not going to happen, but I'm waiting patiently for it. I've heard it only comes once in a lifetime, and you just know...well, knowing that love exists makes me realize that all those "mistakes" I've already made in life are leading to that love. I've always heard if you want to be married, God will give you that love. (also about babies too). Knowing this is true, I can tell that love I find is going to be amazingly breathtaking. I have so much love to give. I guess what I'm trying to say is I know it's out there just waiting for me, and I can't wait to catch it. It's like the pixie dust will eventually fall on my head and there he'll be. I can't wait!
I know I'm pretty spastic with this blog, but it totally sounds like I think. I wake up some nights and sit and think about these things never knowing if I'll quit thinking. My new goal in life is to get in shape and be healthy again. My stomach is killing me a lot more than it used to, and I don't want to be 40 with stomach issues moreso than what I have now. I have started Gilad again (and eating healthy is coming along) and running and then volleyball. I can't tell you how much volleyball and our new principal have made me like our school is one cohesive unit. I know there's still those select few who suck at life, but the rest of them always have a smile on their face and say HELLO in the hallway...I mean who would've thought one person could change the atmosphere so quickly. You can't stay in a bad mood when everybody's smiling and ready to work hard. It's great! I also have this crazy urge to try to figure out who that mate of my life is. Have I already met them? Will it be somebody new? The man of my dreams has to be somewhere and I know I have to wait until I least expect it...which is way difficult...but it's really weird...the guys I've met to hang out with and date all just randomly fell in my lap. Mysterious things can happen and I can't wait to see what the future holds...odd birthdays are great years for me...and as I get older, I wish that I could bask in these epiphanies with my father and my normal mother. I know things happen for a reason, but if my mom could just find happiness again, I think we'd all be better off. My dad has to be rolling around in his grave choking b/c of the things she's done. She's not supported herself, she's found that crap lust, she's turned her friends off, and she's upset me all along the way. I used to always say I want to be like her when I grow up, but these days not so much. Sober working not pity partying mom is awesome, but not the other one. She's made things so much worse, and STRESS levels hit the roof, but then she's also been there and provided when I've panicked so what do you say to that? Nothing I suppose right? Well, sleep must ensue now...
Monday, March 9, 2009
just some thoughts
"If you continue to choose to be this girl who picks the assholes and who loves conditionally instead of unconditionally, you are going to wind up alone."
"If you could change your perception of yourself, things would change for you drastically and others would perceive you differently as well."
My best friend of 6 years now has come up with these profound quotes for me as we've discussed our lives as of late. The first of these was said after we were discussing how close her boyfriend has been to marriage discussions. Now knowing me, I laugh at her situation because she never lets the guy have control yet with this relationship, she's lost all of it. Considering who I desire to be with, I have continually strayed away from what I think is the perfect man. Of course, there is no perfect man or woman, but in my eyes what I think is a perfect man is someone who is loyal to you and loves you for who you are on the inside and looks over your many imperfections. I want someone to love me for me. I am what I am most of the time, and apparently, people don't always know "how to take me". Am I really that hard to get along with? I know what I want in a man and I haven't honestly found him yet...the main problem being, my lusting for physical attributes continually gets in my way of finding that "perfect mate". I no longer am waiting for the man of my dreams, but I'm constantly fishing around for that "Mr. Right Now". I've consistently chosen the asshole over the sweet, caring man, and screwed up time after time with relationships because I'm so scared of what comes if I do get hurt. I've never been willing to jump off the cliff because everytime I'm on the edge, I end up getting pushed down and a little piece of me falls off that cliff because the men I choose know exactly how to make me feel inferior to them. Again I say, these epiphanies so to speak make me think at night and during the day of what I might be doing wrong...
1. I always choose the guy I have to run after.
2. The guys who constantly want to be with me, I push away because I get claustrophobic.
3. I normally meet these guys in places not suitable for finding a husband.
4. My friends and their priorities always come before mine; therefore, I am never doing things for just me.
5. I am constantly going from point A (aka Atlanta) to point B (aka Knoxville) and there's never a consistency to be out and about trying to find that special someone.
6. I have confidence in myself, but I end up settling because I think I can't get any better sometimes.
In the mean time, I am trying to work on my inside self and how I feel about me. To better myself, I have decided that exercise and eating right are 2 things I need to work on majorly. I need to be happy with myself before I can ever accept an opinion, be it good or bad. Goals have to be put in place and if I don't start now, I'll never start.
"If you could change your perception of yourself, things would change for you drastically and others would perceive you differently as well."
My best friend of 6 years now has come up with these profound quotes for me as we've discussed our lives as of late. The first of these was said after we were discussing how close her boyfriend has been to marriage discussions. Now knowing me, I laugh at her situation because she never lets the guy have control yet with this relationship, she's lost all of it. Considering who I desire to be with, I have continually strayed away from what I think is the perfect man. Of course, there is no perfect man or woman, but in my eyes what I think is a perfect man is someone who is loyal to you and loves you for who you are on the inside and looks over your many imperfections. I want someone to love me for me. I am what I am most of the time, and apparently, people don't always know "how to take me". Am I really that hard to get along with? I know what I want in a man and I haven't honestly found him yet...the main problem being, my lusting for physical attributes continually gets in my way of finding that "perfect mate". I no longer am waiting for the man of my dreams, but I'm constantly fishing around for that "Mr. Right Now". I've consistently chosen the asshole over the sweet, caring man, and screwed up time after time with relationships because I'm so scared of what comes if I do get hurt. I've never been willing to jump off the cliff because everytime I'm on the edge, I end up getting pushed down and a little piece of me falls off that cliff because the men I choose know exactly how to make me feel inferior to them. Again I say, these epiphanies so to speak make me think at night and during the day of what I might be doing wrong...
1. I always choose the guy I have to run after.
2. The guys who constantly want to be with me, I push away because I get claustrophobic.
3. I normally meet these guys in places not suitable for finding a husband.
4. My friends and their priorities always come before mine; therefore, I am never doing things for just me.
5. I am constantly going from point A (aka Atlanta) to point B (aka Knoxville) and there's never a consistency to be out and about trying to find that special someone.
6. I have confidence in myself, but I end up settling because I think I can't get any better sometimes.
In the mean time, I am trying to work on my inside self and how I feel about me. To better myself, I have decided that exercise and eating right are 2 things I need to work on majorly. I need to be happy with myself before I can ever accept an opinion, be it good or bad. Goals have to be put in place and if I don't start now, I'll never start.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The People at My School
See there are lots of different types of people at my school. There's the kind that don't socialize, the kind that socialize too much, the ones who want to be in cliques, the ones who want to stay to themselves, the ones who have nothing better to do except make our lives miserable. Actually, anywhere you go, you will find these people. I find myself to be one of the fun, happy, sociables at our school. I say hi to everyone in the hallways, when I ask you how you are, I really want to hear how you are. I am not just being polite. I really am a caring individual.
As I've been here over the what something like 6 months or so, I have realized who to stay away from, who to be friends with (as teachers), who to be friends with (personally), who I can trust, who I can't trust, and who I should just smile at politely and move on because we will never be nice to one another. In the past 6 months, I have chosen only positive people to uplift me while I've been moved around and up and down. These people being...
Allison-my mentor
Amanda J-my Tennessee friend
E Fry-kick ass partner
Amy T-my dirty door neighbor
Evans and Keenum-the reason I'm not fired :)
Now there's plenty of people that I talk to but these are my closest friends. I consider them people I can tell anything to...be it who I'm hating, how I'm feeling, if I want to cuss, and what is going on in Knoxville because I am totally a nut case.
Now...Amanda J just laughs and says you are bad. Evans adds a comment and Keenum just says "you better be thankful you're cute". E Fry is my buddy...what would I do without her...we've both been put through the ringer. My dirty door neighbor..what can I say? She's like my older sister who did the same things I did and we have so much in common I can't even tell you all the things that make us this way...she is the reason I make it through a hard day. Actually they're all that way, but she puts it in my perspective and makes me feel better about myself...and if she can't do that, then she tends to make me laugh either way...I'm in a better mood by the time I leave her room to go back to mine :) Then there's Allison, the one I lose this year. She has been an amazing mentor in so many aspects...I mean who else can I text for two hours about American Idol and go to the "special" time we have after work? She cracks me up and I can pretty much be as vulgar as I need or want to be. At least I know I have someone to visit at the beach. These ladies are the only reason I have made it through 6 months, actually almost 7 months of school. They are the ones to socialize with to be positive with and to have fun with every day of the week.
As I've been here over the what something like 6 months or so, I have realized who to stay away from, who to be friends with (as teachers), who to be friends with (personally), who I can trust, who I can't trust, and who I should just smile at politely and move on because we will never be nice to one another. In the past 6 months, I have chosen only positive people to uplift me while I've been moved around and up and down. These people being...
Allison-my mentor
Amanda J-my Tennessee friend
E Fry-kick ass partner
Amy T-my dirty door neighbor
Evans and Keenum-the reason I'm not fired :)
Now there's plenty of people that I talk to but these are my closest friends. I consider them people I can tell anything to...be it who I'm hating, how I'm feeling, if I want to cuss, and what is going on in Knoxville because I am totally a nut case.
Now...Amanda J just laughs and says you are bad. Evans adds a comment and Keenum just says "you better be thankful you're cute". E Fry is my buddy...what would I do without her...we've both been put through the ringer. My dirty door neighbor..what can I say? She's like my older sister who did the same things I did and we have so much in common I can't even tell you all the things that make us this way...she is the reason I make it through a hard day. Actually they're all that way, but she puts it in my perspective and makes me feel better about myself...and if she can't do that, then she tends to make me laugh either way...I'm in a better mood by the time I leave her room to go back to mine :) Then there's Allison, the one I lose this year. She has been an amazing mentor in so many aspects...I mean who else can I text for two hours about American Idol and go to the "special" time we have after work? She cracks me up and I can pretty much be as vulgar as I need or want to be. At least I know I have someone to visit at the beach. These ladies are the only reason I have made it through 6 months, actually almost 7 months of school. They are the ones to socialize with to be positive with and to have fun with every day of the week.
What I Have Learned the Most in the Past Months
Well, hello!
Welcome to my CRAZY world of teaching both personal and professional. I decided to start off by saying that I do love my job...I get to come in daily and make a difference in 16 children's lives and I must admit...sometimes when I think about it...it really freaks me out! I've taught these kids their letters, sounds, and how to read! And then I look at my 4th graders, who only have 3 more months until they're 5th graders and they still come see me daily because I made such an impact on them. And I think how is it possible to make such a difference?
On the outside looking in at me, you will see a girl who loves her students, loves her friends, and loves her family and is always happy. BUT on the outside, I am always going insane and I am always second guessing myself to the umph degree. I constantly want to please everybody and never disappoint anybody and do my best. This year I have slacked and not given a crap more times than I can count. I have not been myself at all! I am either stressed to the max with a random break out on my forehead or I'm pissed off so bad, I just cry and can't see straight. I have not been the "happy Tara" I know and it sucks! I have learned that no matter how hard you try, there is always somebody trying to put you down and tell you that you aren't worth what you are worth. I know I am worth a lot thanks to my parents and my friends, otherwise, I would've crushed under the pressure and not done my usual by "coming out on top". I am ready for another year at this school, and I'm ready for any challenge that this school wants to give me.
It really is random how God puts people in your life to calm you down. There is this person in my life who has been around for a while but they just keep popping back up and no matter how late I text or call, they answer. I could just text a ":(" and they write me back to make sure I'm okay. I couldn't have made it through the past few weeks without their wisdom in "real life" "being an adult" situations. It also makes me happy to think of them, so even if I'm not happy, I can see those messages, and feel better. Hopefully, everybody that knows this person knows how kind and giving and smart they are because they really do intrance me when they speak the way they do.
I totally believe that God only gives you the amount that He thinks you can handle, and I totally believe that if you talk to Him daily, that He will get you through it. I have been living proof of this for at least 5 years. Yes, why do you say I say 5 years? Well, I have never been thrown so many curveballs as when I decided it was time to give into temptation and then my dad died not even 2 weeks later in a horrific car crash. Guess who I blamed? Not God, but myself. Why else would've God taken the man of my life...the one who made me feel great about myself and who made me feel the most safe when I was around him? It had to be because I decided that I should give into temptation one night and now here I am 5 years later still wondering if that was the reason he was taken away. The stress of this alone was a burden for many years, one that I can say I will quite honestly keep with me for the rest of my life. I somehow have managed to screw up time and time again and put my mother through more agony along with my best friend because I wanted to test the waters (so to speak). I didn't even think about my values nor what I even thought about myself. As I look back, I think wow what was I thinking! I mean I wouldn't change anything that's happened that I've done because how else would I have learned what I have except by experiencing these things?
I think I might have finally grown up but now I look at me now and think...I haven't grown up at all! When I look in the mirror, I see myself as the 24 year old I am, but when I look at my heart, I still see that 5 year old girl crying for her mom and dad to make her feel better and save her from all the problems of the world. They say once you join the real world, you miss your college life. I don't necessarily miss my college life, but I do miss my friends in Knoxville so much I can't even begin to describe the pain I feel when I don't get to see the ultrasound right away of 2 of my bestest friends when they come home from the doctor or when I can't go to Nashville every other week to hang out with my bestest nor do I get to know the guy she's (in my opinion) fallen head over heels for. I don't get to see how my younger friends are progressing and I don't get to see how my friend, Sarah O is and have those much needed talks with her until the wee hours of the morning. I don't get to spend every night at Ashley and Thomas's before they leave to go to Kentucky in 5-8 months nor do I get to spend that quality time with Katie when she needs a lady's ear to listen to her troubles. I don't get to play Rock Band every weekend and I don't get to see my FAVORITE comedy troupe every Tuesday which was a big part of my life for the past 5 years to date. Every time I look back on those years, I miss every minute (even the arguments I had with Midgett and all the times my friends were afraid for what might come next). I have learned so much about myself this year and I hope to continue this in the process of growing up.
Needless to say, I have also realized that a way to keep me happy is to exercise. I have enjoyed every second of the running and I've noticed my body is trying to shape into a different form which excites me. My goal is to be back in a bikini by June (hopefully). I have an amazing dirty door neighbor who is very health conscious and I think with her help and encouragement I will continue to do this. I hope that I get to this goal accomplished. And even though, as a Baptist, we do not give up stuff for Lent, I have decided fast food is "x"-ed until Easter.
Welcome to my CRAZY world of teaching both personal and professional. I decided to start off by saying that I do love my job...I get to come in daily and make a difference in 16 children's lives and I must admit...sometimes when I think about it...it really freaks me out! I've taught these kids their letters, sounds, and how to read! And then I look at my 4th graders, who only have 3 more months until they're 5th graders and they still come see me daily because I made such an impact on them. And I think how is it possible to make such a difference?
On the outside looking in at me, you will see a girl who loves her students, loves her friends, and loves her family and is always happy. BUT on the outside, I am always going insane and I am always second guessing myself to the umph degree. I constantly want to please everybody and never disappoint anybody and do my best. This year I have slacked and not given a crap more times than I can count. I have not been myself at all! I am either stressed to the max with a random break out on my forehead or I'm pissed off so bad, I just cry and can't see straight. I have not been the "happy Tara" I know and it sucks! I have learned that no matter how hard you try, there is always somebody trying to put you down and tell you that you aren't worth what you are worth. I know I am worth a lot thanks to my parents and my friends, otherwise, I would've crushed under the pressure and not done my usual by "coming out on top". I am ready for another year at this school, and I'm ready for any challenge that this school wants to give me.
It really is random how God puts people in your life to calm you down. There is this person in my life who has been around for a while but they just keep popping back up and no matter how late I text or call, they answer. I could just text a ":(" and they write me back to make sure I'm okay. I couldn't have made it through the past few weeks without their wisdom in "real life" "being an adult" situations. It also makes me happy to think of them, so even if I'm not happy, I can see those messages, and feel better. Hopefully, everybody that knows this person knows how kind and giving and smart they are because they really do intrance me when they speak the way they do.
I totally believe that God only gives you the amount that He thinks you can handle, and I totally believe that if you talk to Him daily, that He will get you through it. I have been living proof of this for at least 5 years. Yes, why do you say I say 5 years? Well, I have never been thrown so many curveballs as when I decided it was time to give into temptation and then my dad died not even 2 weeks later in a horrific car crash. Guess who I blamed? Not God, but myself. Why else would've God taken the man of my life...the one who made me feel great about myself and who made me feel the most safe when I was around him? It had to be because I decided that I should give into temptation one night and now here I am 5 years later still wondering if that was the reason he was taken away. The stress of this alone was a burden for many years, one that I can say I will quite honestly keep with me for the rest of my life. I somehow have managed to screw up time and time again and put my mother through more agony along with my best friend because I wanted to test the waters (so to speak). I didn't even think about my values nor what I even thought about myself. As I look back, I think wow what was I thinking! I mean I wouldn't change anything that's happened that I've done because how else would I have learned what I have except by experiencing these things?
I think I might have finally grown up but now I look at me now and think...I haven't grown up at all! When I look in the mirror, I see myself as the 24 year old I am, but when I look at my heart, I still see that 5 year old girl crying for her mom and dad to make her feel better and save her from all the problems of the world. They say once you join the real world, you miss your college life. I don't necessarily miss my college life, but I do miss my friends in Knoxville so much I can't even begin to describe the pain I feel when I don't get to see the ultrasound right away of 2 of my bestest friends when they come home from the doctor or when I can't go to Nashville every other week to hang out with my bestest nor do I get to know the guy she's (in my opinion) fallen head over heels for. I don't get to see how my younger friends are progressing and I don't get to see how my friend, Sarah O is and have those much needed talks with her until the wee hours of the morning. I don't get to spend every night at Ashley and Thomas's before they leave to go to Kentucky in 5-8 months nor do I get to spend that quality time with Katie when she needs a lady's ear to listen to her troubles. I don't get to play Rock Band every weekend and I don't get to see my FAVORITE comedy troupe every Tuesday which was a big part of my life for the past 5 years to date. Every time I look back on those years, I miss every minute (even the arguments I had with Midgett and all the times my friends were afraid for what might come next). I have learned so much about myself this year and I hope to continue this in the process of growing up.
Needless to say, I have also realized that a way to keep me happy is to exercise. I have enjoyed every second of the running and I've noticed my body is trying to shape into a different form which excites me. My goal is to be back in a bikini by June (hopefully). I have an amazing dirty door neighbor who is very health conscious and I think with her help and encouragement I will continue to do this. I hope that I get to this goal accomplished. And even though, as a Baptist, we do not give up stuff for Lent, I have decided fast food is "x"-ed until Easter.
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