What I Have Learned the Most in the Past Months

Well, hello!

Welcome to my CRAZY world of teaching both personal and professional. I decided to start off by saying that I do love my job...I get to come in daily and make a difference in 16 children's lives and I must admit...sometimes when I think about it...it really freaks me out! I've taught these kids their letters, sounds, and how to read! And then I look at my 4th graders, who only have 3 more months until they're 5th graders and they still come see me daily because I made such an impact on them. And I think how is it possible to make such a difference?

On the outside looking in at me, you will see a girl who loves her students, loves her friends, and loves her family and is always happy. BUT on the outside, I am always going insane and I am always second guessing myself to the umph degree. I constantly want to please everybody and never disappoint anybody and do my best. This year I have slacked and not given a crap more times than I can count. I have not been myself at all! I am either stressed to the max with a random break out on my forehead or I'm pissed off so bad, I just cry and can't see straight. I have not been the "happy Tara" I know and it sucks! I have learned that no matter how hard you try, there is always somebody trying to put you down and tell you that you aren't worth what you are worth. I know I am worth a lot thanks to my parents and my friends, otherwise, I would've crushed under the pressure and not done my usual by "coming out on top". I am ready for another year at this school, and I'm ready for any challenge that this school wants to give me.

It really is random how God puts people in your life to calm you down. There is this person in my life who has been around for a while but they just keep popping back up and no matter how late I text or call, they answer. I could just text a ":(" and they write me back to make sure I'm okay. I couldn't have made it through the past few weeks without their wisdom in "real life" "being an adult" situations. It also makes me happy to think of them, so even if I'm not happy, I can see those messages, and feel better. Hopefully, everybody that knows this person knows how kind and giving and smart they are because they really do intrance me when they speak the way they do.

I totally believe that God only gives you the amount that He thinks you can handle, and I totally believe that if you talk to Him daily, that He will get you through it. I have been living proof of this for at least 5 years. Yes, why do you say I say 5 years? Well, I have never been thrown so many curveballs as when I decided it was time to give into temptation and then my dad died not even 2 weeks later in a horrific car crash. Guess who I blamed? Not God, but myself. Why else would've God taken the man of my life...the one who made me feel great about myself and who made me feel the most safe when I was around him? It had to be because I decided that I should give into temptation one night and now here I am 5 years later still wondering if that was the reason he was taken away. The stress of this alone was a burden for many years, one that I can say I will quite honestly keep with me for the rest of my life. I somehow have managed to screw up time and time again and put my mother through more agony along with my best friend because I wanted to test the waters (so to speak). I didn't even think about my values nor what I even thought about myself. As I look back, I think wow what was I thinking! I mean I wouldn't change anything that's happened that I've done because how else would I have learned what I have except by experiencing these things?

I think I might have finally grown up but now I look at me now and think...I haven't grown up at all! When I look in the mirror, I see myself as the 24 year old I am, but when I look at my heart, I still see that 5 year old girl crying for her mom and dad to make her feel better and save her from all the problems of the world. They say once you join the real world, you miss your college life. I don't necessarily miss my college life, but I do miss my friends in Knoxville so much I can't even begin to describe the pain I feel when I don't get to see the ultrasound right away of 2 of my bestest friends when they come home from the doctor or when I can't go to Nashville every other week to hang out with my bestest nor do I get to know the guy she's (in my opinion) fallen head over heels for. I don't get to see how my younger friends are progressing and I don't get to see how my friend, Sarah O is and have those much needed talks with her until the wee hours of the morning. I don't get to spend every night at Ashley and Thomas's before they leave to go to Kentucky in 5-8 months nor do I get to spend that quality time with Katie when she needs a lady's ear to listen to her troubles. I don't get to play Rock Band every weekend and I don't get to see my FAVORITE comedy troupe every Tuesday which was a big part of my life for the past 5 years to date. Every time I look back on those years, I miss every minute (even the arguments I had with Midgett and all the times my friends were afraid for what might come next). I have learned so much about myself this year and I hope to continue this in the process of growing up.

Needless to say, I have also realized that a way to keep me happy is to exercise. I have enjoyed every second of the running and I've noticed my body is trying to shape into a different form which excites me. My goal is to be back in a bikini by June (hopefully). I have an amazing dirty door neighbor who is very health conscious and I think with her help and encouragement I will continue to do this. I hope that I get to this goal accomplished. And even though, as a Baptist, we do not give up stuff for Lent, I have decided fast food is "x"-ed until Easter.