Wow to the wow right now. I'm constantly in a crazy ass mood these days. My life is ridiculous and fun all at the same time. I never realized how much drama I do NOT stir up these days. It might sound redundant but for once in my life, I'm glad that the "drama" is elsewhere. I mean I have had so much anger and hurt the past few months over my best friend and her choosing her boyfriend over me in every situation, and then I realized, I don't need her like I thought I did. She's only a part of my life, and she can choose to be in mine or not, but I can't quit letting her rule my life and my thoughts. Most of my anger and hurt has subsided due to 2 comments I got to say to her actual face a few weeks ago.
1. "I can't believe you chose to believe your boyfriend of less than 2 years over your supposed best friend of more than 6."
to which she responded "You lie."
2. " I lie about stupid stuff like who I've kissed in the past days not about something like this. It really hurts that everybody has realized I'm not the same person I was a year ago and that I've changed, and you're the only one still living in the past thinking I'm still that slut from sophomore year."
2 things off my chest and her dumbfounded silence later, I feel our friendship is finally where I need it to be to get through life without needing her around all the time. As a little girl, I have always been raised to be independent in most things that I do, but feelings has never been my strong suit. The more I look back on my life, the more I realize I've made myself this needy girl. I can't blame it on my parents; they were amazing and loving and compassionate and complimentary to me always. I never needed their love and attention. I always consumed their lives. All through life (as the independent one I thought), I would find friends who needed me more than I needed them, neglecting myself and my feelings for the sake of theirs. That wasn't independence...I was dependent on them being dependent on me. The first friend ever then came around and she tried to fix my issues first before her own, and I fed off of that, not realizing that I was sucking our friendship down the drain. Then I realized once I moved to GA that you can have friends that look after you, and still want to be around. I guess these so-called realizations are really just me growing up, but they seem pretty big steps in my opinion. I think the best thing for us was me moving down here even if I feel constantly like we'll never be the same.
Not only has my dependence upon her gone away, I also don't want to deal with the drama mama of her life. I've realized that I wasn't the drama queen (even if I was for the last few years). There's also the fact that I feel like I've grown when it comes to saying "no". Now I still don't want to disappoint but when it comes to furthering my career or deterring my numbers from getting high, I've learned to say it. It feels great, and I've realized people are still my friends after I say it. The real test for me is dealing with the temptation to give in. I mean why not? Most of the time the thing I'm trying to always say no to is not good for me. Driving to a guy's house after hours, meeting up with that one you've always dreamed would come around (but in the back of your head you *now never will), skipping out on work to stay an extra day...these things aren't good for me. I don't grow in a positive manner when I do these things. I either feel bad for not being with my chitlins or feel bad for lying or feel bad for giving into my desires (that really aren't desires). This month has already been a "growing" month. I have learned so much about myself and how strong I actually am. I don't need that guy to tell me how good I am at something or my friends to be able to party with me an extra night so they'll have a friend to hang out with when I know I have work the next day.
Life used to offer me really beautiful lemons, but I never knew if the lemonade was going to be sweet or sour to the core. I still don't know always, but I've started to look a little deeper at the lemon...and when I see those bruises or mold, I decide to take the lemon and throw it at the temptation instead of going ahead and making it to see what happens. Spontaneity is a good thing in life. It keeps you on your toes, and keeps you guessing, but it also can bite you in the ass. You can fall, and normally you fall hard in my experience. I've always been able to get back up, but I'm finally starting to question...what if I can't get back up? What if that one last time is the time something horrific happens. You can play with fire, but it tends to burn you in the end. I've always had people to cushion the fall and get me out of it, but I'm 25 now...adult status reminds me that cushion isn't always going to be there.
Love is patient, love is kind...love can suck, but true love (the kind that makes your heart go pitter patter, where you can't shut up with that person, the kind where he makes you smile just by looking at you or where he makes you laugh when you want to hit him over the head with a bottle you're so pissed, the kind where it's eternally forever) that type of love is difficult to find, but once you find it, you should guard it with your heart and shield it with your mind. That love I have not yet been luc*y enough to find...not saying it's not going to happen, but I'm waiting patiently for it. I've heard it only comes once in a lifetime, and you just know...well, knowing that love exists makes me realize that all those "mistakes" I've already made in life are leading to that love. I've always heard if you want to be married, God will give you that love. (also about babies too). Knowing this is true, I can tell that love I find is going to be amazingly breathtaking. I have so much love to give. I guess what I'm trying to say is I know it's out there just waiting for me, and I can't wait to catch it. It's like the pixie dust will eventually fall on my head and there he'll be. I can't wait!
I know I'm pretty spastic with this blog, but it totally sounds like I think. I wake up some nights and sit and think about these things never knowing if I'll quit thinking. My new goal in life is to get in shape and be healthy again. My stomach is killing me a lot more than it used to, and I don't want to be 40 with stomach issues moreso than what I have now. I have started Gilad again (and eating healthy is coming along) and running and then volleyball. I can't tell you how much volleyball and our new principal have made me like our school is one cohesive unit. I know there's still those select few who suck at life, but the rest of them always have a smile on their face and say HELLO in the hallway...I mean who would've thought one person could change the atmosphere so quickly. You can't stay in a bad mood when everybody's smiling and ready to work hard. It's great! I also have this crazy urge to try to figure out who that mate of my life is. Have I already met them? Will it be somebody new? The man of my dreams has to be somewhere and I know I have to wait until I least expect it...which is way difficult...but it's really weird...the guys I've met to hang out with and date all just randomly fell in my lap. Mysterious things can happen and I can't wait to see what the future holds...odd birthdays are great years for me...and as I get older, I wish that I could bask in these epiphanies with my father and my normal mother. I know things happen for a reason, but if my mom could just find happiness again, I think we'd all be better off. My dad has to be rolling around in his grave choking b/c of the things she's done. She's not supported herself, she's found that crap lust, she's turned her friends off, and she's upset me all along the way. I used to always say I want to be like her when I grow up, but these days not so much. Sober working not pity partying mom is awesome, but not the other one. She's made things so much worse, and STRESS levels hit the roof, but then she's also been there and provided when I've panicked so what do you say to that? Nothing I suppose right? Well, sleep must ensue now...
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